tale of the strong female characters

One of my favourite internet web artists (if you could even call her that) is kate beaton. her witty, sometimes charming, always referential comic strips touch upon characters in history, feminism and literature to name a few. contrary to popular belief, women ARE funny and so many female comic strip writers prove this to me constantly. this was a short story i wrote inspired by a series of comics she wrote entitled "strong female characters." i found that they so effectively poked fun at how horribly and inaccurately women were portrayed in comics. female heroins are so often depicted as overly sexualised just to show how empowered they are, which i think is slowly, slowly changing. this was eventually put into a zine i was a part of called "heroes" and will probably be put into the 2nd issue of vaein.

(all images copyright to kate beaton.)

It was a quiet, blue and dewy morning in the city of Goth-hams - yes! quite the name for a town so often overrun by villains and crime. Some say it was more of a nickname, spread amongst the citizens as a joke, referring to the town's high population of brooding teenagers and delicatessens that offered fine meats. Some say it was an inside joke referring to a city overcome with REAL crime...but noone ever listened to such derogatory claptrap in Goth-hams.

A single bird adjusted itself fussily in it's nest and twittered softly above the town hall, which by the way, had been built, with some sort of generic roman architectural idea in mind. It was a bit of an eyesore in the opinion of many citizens, and looked rather out of place in comparison to the dingy, commercial looking shopping mall across the road. The steps were plastered with pigeon excrement, litter and a few spots of graffiti, which unfortunately was one of the few colourful things about this building. The lawn out in front of the town hall was cultivated in a spherical shape, with a fountain placed crudely in the middle: not much care had been taken in placing this addition, as it intruded slightly upon the greenery surrounding it and it functioned more as a child's swimming pool. It babbled lazily amidst the morning air as if to say "well, i tried." Yes. "Goth-hams" was not just a city of fashionable mall-goths, but also a city of disappointments  Somewhat.

But maybe this was not such an accurate conclusion to draw, for just following this description an alarm sounds somewhere, breaking through the pleasant bird song- the town hall was being invaded! A few people who had been awake at this hour poured into the streets, looking around frantically for the noise. There was a collective pause as all eyes were on the town hall, waiting for action: quite suddenly, it was obvious who had caused the commotion.

Danger dave!

oh yes, you may cringe at the name, but his name WAS dave, and he was POSSIBLY  dangerous. The unmistakeable sound of misdeeds cracked through the air like a bolt of lightning as the doors to the hall slammed open to reveal a rotund and strangely dressed man standing in the entrance. he wasted no time dilly-dallying and leapt neatly down the steps, landing with a soft thud, his knees braced for impact. He looked around triumphantly, saw that noone was around to apprehend him, and gave a sinister laugh. Danger Dave ran off faster than you can say "cardiac arrest" with an unidentified bag under his arms.

This would all be very well and good for danger dave, had he had forgotten about a series of dashing heroes...a series of heroes with unnatural flexibility and a tendency to wear provocative and revealing clothing...

The STRONG FEMALE CHARACTERS!

with one efficient *thwack* jenni, the first of the group, apprehended the thief. He fell to the ground somewhat lamely, a dull "oof" emerging from his mouth and nothing more. he rolled around on the ground a bit while Jennie stood over him, striking a pose of victory. "You will never win against us!" she yelled, her voice booming across the courtyard. onlookers were very impressed and began clapping.

"Indeed! and we shall be returning these items at once! Said Harley, the 2nd hero, her cone bra wobbling precariously as she approached the two. Her muscular, strong legs stood out rather obviously amongst the more conservatively clothed civilians. "Don't you know that we are strong female characters, and can do whatever we please to win justice?" She began to massage her cone brace suggestively, the shape starting large when attached to the body, and trailing off to a small insignificant point: a poignant reminder of madonna's career.

A jeering laugh was heard behind them and the three turned around dramatically to face Adelle, who was casually holding her leg above her head and forming a silhouette against the rising sun. "Oh, my apologies! I was just showing off my incredible flexibility and proving how sexually liberated I was!" She lowered her leg with a chuckle and adjusted her leather g-string. "However, i ultimately would like to settle down with a weak male lead- i mean, someone nice." she added, answering a question that absolutely noone asked.

I think we've done all we can for today, girls." Said Jenni, who had now taken to using danger Dave's face as a chair. The villain could be heard trying to say something in protest but jenni thwacked him once again with her cone bra (which had been recently fitted with extendable options.) Adelle fingered her leather gun-holder and inhaled a drag from a cigarette, which had been hastily offered to her by a passer-by.

I do agree, Jenni" said Adelle, nodding. "We have better things to do, like shopping at outrageously overpriced chain stores and then destroying any man that holds a door open for us." She suddenly turned and glared a man ogling her backside, who ran off with a squeal into the distance.

At this point Dave's small face was blue due to the lack of oxygen and his eyeballs looked like they were about to pop out (in addition to his general discomfort in being forced to lay down on weathered pavement.) Harley ignored this and fired her pistol, which she had many of, mind you, into the air in order to assert her dominance.

Off in the distance, Harley noticed a man start a conversation with an unsuspecting girl on the street. A harmless exchange perhaps, but was it really...an unspeakable crime...an incident of STREET HARASSMENT?! She slowly brought her sunglasses out of her leather gun-holder and carefully positioned them on her face, making a grimace.

"he is DEAD. it's time for retribution girls."

the other two nodded sagely, and as they leapt off into the distance, time slowed down and the camera panned to catch a good, wide-angled shot of their posteriors.

They were women, god-dammit, and they had rights!

These were the STRONG FEMALE CHARACTERS!! Stay tuned for the next installation!