when i was 13, i thought i was going to have the same friends that i'd met that year for the rest of my life. i'd accepted that i would never achieve anything i wanted and would probably end up falling back on a teacher as a job and even by that point, even though i'd just started high school, there was a sense of dread that i didn't have a plan and i would fail by the time i was going to university. i thought that i would never be "cool" in my understanding of it and that i would always be controlled by my parents. when i was 15 i wasn't much better but secretly made the decision that i wanted to become a musician and be in a band. seeing bands play and tour and react with other people seemed otherworldy but also reachable - all i had to do was get a laptop and learn guitar right? i wanted to be the next playradioplay. in reality, though i had no idea how this would actually occur . i didn't have any friends that liked the music i liked and all my friends that played instruments wouldn't have ever considered being in a band with me. i was glad to have anyone that would talk to me because i honestly thought that i was the lowest of the low, the bottom of the food chain. if i was ever bullied they tired of it pretty quickly because they knew i couldn't sink any further. everyone has painful high school memories but i don't even think of it that way - i never knew anything outside of that feeling so i think i never actively sought to break out of it, to become a more confident person, or to find people that genuinely thought i was the "bees knees."
i'm someone who often has a very narrow idea of what they want to do in the future. reminding myself everyday that life is not that easy to plan and that inspiration is unpredictable is something i have to do. it's why i'm still hesitant about a few things - i never thought i would want to be the editor of a magazine/blog of any kind, but as time passes i realise how perfect it is. i wish i'd started it when i was 15. i can do WHATEVER I WANT! and most of all, i hope that someday i feel like i can harness the inner 8 year old inside of me that wanted to change the world. that feeling has always been there, buried underneath everything else. there is so much that needs to be said and done especially when it comes to social issues and other things that i'm interested in.
finally, i have this strange feeling...a feeling that it might be actually possible to change shit, to help people, or to have fun and express myself totally and fully and not be met with contempt or limits. it's the best feeling in the world and that trapped situation i feel like i've been in for the last three years is starting to loosen. maybe it isn't fully gone away yet, but it might in the future.
music is still something i want to pursue. i don't even care if it's not a big thing - i just feel like that and performing are huge parts of who i am and i have to get that out someway.
you should never limit yourself to one plan. it'll only be uninspiring to you in what you think you want to do- however, it's important to have boundaries. it's good to say "yes, this is what i like" and "no, i don't like this, i don't want to do this."
this is long and it’s late and I hope it makes sense to anyone if not all of you who actually read it.
JXR
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